Deziginer's Best Places to Live

So CNN released their Best Places to Live in 2008 and as it it a slow Friday, I thought I'd compare all of my former residences and see if all this moving around was really a good thing or not...For anyone who cares, Plymouth, MN is the BEST CITY, just so I know what I'm missing out on.

Each city will be graded on the very subjective Deziginer Llama Scale (DLS...don't ask)

CRIME

Everyone who visited me in Birmingham knows I love to rant about the crime rate there. It's equal to the crime in DC, and yet the population size hardly compares. (BHAM: -10) Add your abysmal AQI ranking (-5) and Bham loses out to Arlington, who gets a -2 for the property crime...I'd better buy that aluminum bat and pepper spray for when they come to steal my computer...

WEATHER

Let's see. I'm use to Austin's high temp (+5, because everything about Texas rocks) and I honestly don't understand how Birmingham has a higher precipitation than the DC area, and yet it's DC that has daily showers in the summer and Birmingham that is constantly under a drought. -20 to both for not being like Texas.

FINANCES

Well, the chances of my finding a rich husband are better here in Arlington, that's for sure (+1) and I'm going to give Arlington a +50 for the job growth as an appreciation for helping me find a job there. (Technically it's Vienna, but I'd never actually live in Vienna so I'm counting Arlington as my ideal hometown). Birmingham gets a -5 for the INSANE sales tax (I can't believe I spent money in that state) and a -12 for the job market sucking...wait. I'm changing that to a +10 because had the job market not sucked, I'd never have moved to NoVa. DC gets a -15 for the Auto Insurance Premium (that's $1000 dollars difference!) Also Arlington gets a -5 for the 'car tax' I'll have to pay once I change to VA plates. Stupid car taxes....

MARRIAGE AND COLLEGE

So Birmingham is stupid....and divorced! Geeze look at that number. Bham was a notorious 'singles unfriendly' town so they get a -10 for not liking my decision to be a self-sufficient woman (ROAR!) Arlington has all the brainiacs in the DC area(+10)...and also the highest marriage rate (-30!) DC actually made the Top 10 Cities for Singles (except this in no way correlates to those singles looking for significant others...so -18) At least we are all resourceful enough not to take exorbitant vacations (-100 Plymouth...we're in a recession, get with the thrify spending!)

BARS! (and Culture)

Well I never really gave into the whole Birmingham has a bad bar scene, but honestly only 102? I'm giving that a +10 because the chances of seeming knowledgeable about the city nightlife are greatly improved. -20 for lack of museums...I think I went to both...the art museum and the vulcan, right?...actually i KNOW there are more museums in Birmingham, this entire count must be rigged, so +30 to even things out. And what the hell is with Plymouth having almost as many museums at the DC area?! What could be that exciting to learn about in Minnesota?! (-30 for being unnecessarily smarmy)

HOME PRICE

And Suddenly I'm thinking I should move back to Birmingham. +50 on the cost of a home. (-40 for this number not including the Mountain Brook or Homewood "cities")

HEALTH

After learning that the south is so fat, you'd think the BMI would be higher there, right? +8 for having great food, diabetes rates be damned. Except what exactly does Alabama have to stress about? No clue where that hypertension number came from....maybe here.

SCHOOLS

Don't really care that much about schools—be that I'm out of it and don't have children—I will note that there must be a good system of privates in our nation's capital...+100 for being around so many awesome museums.

FINAL TOTALS:

So if I calculated my random tabulations of whimsy correctly, Austin gets +5 for being a Hot, Texas City....Plymouth failed miserably with a -130 just for being too perfect, Birmingham, despite all its faults, only had a -14, DC gets a 47 out of my patriotic duty to boost its appeal, and my current city (or dream city) of Arlington barely broke even with a 4. 

Dont try to understand my math. It was created by the llamas.